Previous Blog Entry Next Blog Entry

It’s time for a contest!  It came to my attention today that in the entire vast universe of “Shit People Say” videos, there is no Shit Librarians Say video yet.   Well there is, but it’s this one dude saying “shhh” over and over.  We can do better than that people!

I’m going to make a Shit Librarians Say video, crowd-sourced from content y’all send me.  Send me a video clip, or clips, of you or your library staff saying stereotypical things library folks say (there are plenty) and email me the clip or a link to it somewhere at librarianinblack [at] gmail [dot] com.  I’ll cut the best entries together and hopefully we’ll have something hilarious.

Two rules:

  1. Sound quality has to be good.  I don’t want to spend time fixing your crap audio.
  2. Send it to me by Friday, September 21st.

If you are unfamiliar with the “Shit People Say” internet meme, read up on it here. It started with Shit Girls Say and now there are thousands, including my top three: Shit Hipsters Say, Shit Gamers Say to Their Girlfriends, and Shit Vegans Say.

If you don’t want to submit a video, but have a cute idea for an entry, submit it as a comment to this post.  And the rest of you, feel free to steal shamelessly from the comments :)

And I’m going to type SHIT one more time just in case I didn’t trip your internet filters yet. Screw you, filters.

“Shit Librarians Say video contest”

  1. Eleanor Crumblehulme Says:

    Shit Librarians Say:
    “The washrooms are just over there.”
    “Libraries are important!”
    “Libraries are vital!”
    “Libraries are necessary!”
    “I’m sorry, there’s no food allowed in here. Can you put your sushi/spaghetti/corn-on-the-cob away or finish it outside, please?”
    “We need to engage patrons where they live!”
    “We need to implement an actionable plan!”
    “Metametametadata.”
    And, my personal favourite, “How can I help you?”

  2. Cari Says:

    “I’m sorry you lost your resume when the computers shut down at closing time. That’s why I warned you to save it 15 minutes ago.”

    “I’m sorry the computers are down…again”

    “Please take your call outside or use the cell phone booth.”

  3. Kim Bonen Says:

    “Can you give me your library card number M’am? It’s on the back of the card. Below the barcode. Yes, I need the whole thing. Was there an extra number spaced a little farther apart at the end? Yes, we need that too.”

    “No, you can’t trade your shoe for a pair of headphones. You need to check them out with a library card.”

    “The bathrooms are just around the corner. Right below that big sign that says ‘Restrooms’”.

    “You have to wear shoes in here!”

    “Please watch your children!”

    “This book is sticky.”

  4. Brittany Says:

    “There are no stupid questions.”
    “That’s okay. I don’t mind repeating myself over and over and over and over and over and over again.”
    “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your tax dollars paying my salary.”

  5. Helen Says:

    “You can’t find everything on Google”
    “Try Google Scholar”
    “Ask a Librarian”
    “Wikipedia is not an academic source”
    “The call number is like the book’s address”
    “Boolean operators are cool”
    “I don’t know the answer to that, but I’ll find someone that does”
    “Bring that pen back or I’ll hunt you down”
    “I like cats”

  6. ann miller Says:

    “People would use databases if we just did a better job marketing them.”

    - Sarah I think this is a great idea. Can a library reality show be far behind?

  7. Niamh O'Donovan Says:

    No, a credit card does not count as photo ID.

  8. Edward Iglesias Says:

    It’s not a period, it’s an end stop.

  9. Deana Brown Says:

    I’m sorry textbooks are so expensive, but the library does not have copies of every textbook for you to check out and use for free.

    You can’t “rent” that item, but I’ll let you borrow it.

    You’d like to donate computer software textbooks from the 90′s? What makes you think we’d want them?

    No, I can’t fill out that online job application for you.

    I’m sorry the browsers on our computers need updating so you can submit your math homework, but librarian’s don’t know anything about technology, and certainly can’t be trusted to update software…and IT doesn’t seem to think it’s a priority.

  10. Jessie P Says:

    You want to get to the internet? Oh, you mean Google.

    I got my Master’s for this?

    Have you tried restarting it?

  11. Laura Gutierrez Says:

    Which blue book?
    Do you know the teacher, class, author, title, subject…anything?
    I’m sorry, but I don’t know your password.
    You can’t log in where?
    That little blue “e” with a circle/globe with a fox is how you get to the internet.
    You don’t have to double-click a link.
    The label with numbers is a call number.

  12. Russell G Says:

    Librarian: “How are you today?”
    Patron: “Who gives a shit?”
    Librarian: “You got that right.”

  13. VIRGINIA Says:

    WHAT PUBLIC LAW LIBRARIANS SAY:

    Who told you you needed that form?
    Your hearing is when?
    You may need an attorney.
    Have you tried LawHelp.org?
    No, I cannot help you fill out those forms. But here it the number for Legal Aid.

  14. Alissa T. Says:

    ” We no longer have a physical card catalog. It’s all online now.”
    “Please put your bike in the bike rack”
    “Yes our wireless is working just fine. Do you have your wireless function turned on and do you have the current password?”
    “No, you may not renew your computer time.”
    “No, I will not type your resume for you.”
    “Just let me grab one more book for you…”
    “What was the name of the author you’re looking for again?”

  15. Yvonne Says:

    The computers are down? So does that mean I can’t use the computer?

    My fines pay your salary.

    The copy machine isn’t the same as a printer?

    What’s my pin number? The last four numbers of your phone number. I don’t know my phone number.

    I want that book with the blue cover I checked out 3 months ago.

  16. Alissa T. Says:

    -I cannot check your borrowing history
    -no, I don’t just get to read all day long
    -Yes, I have a degree/went to college.

  17. Sheila Says:

    - “Yes I really did go to school to become a librarian.”

    - “No, we didn’t have to take classes in Shhing”

    - “I love storytime!”

    - “Dr. Who is amazing!”

    - “Yes you have to pay your fines”

  18. eyelash Says:

    So last week I was working the ref desk, and these boys came in to the library tossing their soccer balls around. We have had them in the computer lab before, so I immediately stand up, point toward the door, and say “No balls allowed in the library”. My male fellow librarian immediately cracked up, and I had to take a small break to compose myself. Not sure if I’m ever going to live that down. :) if it makes the cut, make sure a very heavy texas accent is used!

  19. librarian_kelly Says:

    “No, we do not have a public fax machine or a notary public.”
    “The tax forms are over there by the sign that says “Tax Forms.”
    “We do not have books “in-stock” nor can you “rent” them, but we do have books “on the shelf” and you certainly may “check them out.” ”
    Patron: How do I print? Librarian: Sigh.

  20. Liz Says:

    “put your shoes on please sir”
    “so when is your assignment due?”
    “so its due tomorrow”
    “Im sorry all items under that subject are currently on loan if you wish I can reserve one for you when do you need it by? tomorrow?”
    ” im afraid hot food in the library is not allowed, youll have to take your lunch outside”
    “i cannot take responsibility for your valubles if you leave the library, please take them with you ”
    “no i cannot reserve a table for you that is unfair to other patrons”
    “im sorry your laptop was stolen but we encourage all patrons to keep their valuables with them.” (angry response) “if you were going to get lunch why didnt you take it with you?”

  21. Maggie H Says:

    “OK let me see what I can do/find”
    “sorry my computer is being slow today” (our recurring issue with our catalog)

  22. Missy Says:

    “sir, you can’t sleep in here.”

    “i’m sorry, we don’t seem to have any copies of Zane’s books on the shelf…they’re so popular they’re always checked out (stolen). here’s a bookmark of read-alikes, but they’re also really popular and most will probably be checked out (stolen).”

  23. Robin Says:

    Walking feet, please. There’s no running in the library. Walking feet. This is not a safe place to run. WALKING FEET!

    Are you finding everything okay?

    What *kind* of book would you like?

    Yes, I know that this city is part of that county, but it is still two different library systems and you need to have one of our cards to check out our materials. They can help you with that at the main circulation desk.

  24. meow Says:

    Do you remember what the book was about? No? You think it has a blue cover. Okay, that helps..

  25. Christine Says:

    “Yes, you can print out your email here. You just go on one of the public computers. Do you have a library card? No? You need a card to get on the computers. If you go downstairs to the circulation desk you can get a card. You need a photo ID. Then come back up and get on a computer, and then you can print out your email. No, it’s not free, it costs 20 cents a copy, and you need a print card. No, you can’t use your library card. You can buy a print card over in the copier area. It costs a dollar and you get 5 copies. No, you can’t use an ATM card. Oh, and you have to use a single dollar bill- the print card machine doesn’t take coins either. If you want more than 5 copies you can add money to the print card at the add value machine next to it (that only takes bills, not coins). So, anyway, when you are ready to print, you just hit print, and you will see a little box pop up. Type in your name and a job name and a print code. No, its not your library PIN code, its just a code you make up to release your print job. Then you go over to the printer station, swipe your print card, find your name on the list, type in your print job code, and there you go! It’s simple.”

  26. Lucie Says:

    “Sorry, ‘The Hunger Games’ was stolen”

    “Sorry, ‘The Cat in the Hat’ was stolen”

    “Sorry, ‘Twilight’ was stolen”

    “We did have ‘Madagascar’…but it was stolen”

  27. Joan Says:

    You cannot lock your stuff to the study carrel.

    Pornography viewing is not permitted in the library.

    If the door is locked then someone is in there.

    You can also use the bathroom at City Hall.

    If I have to wake you one more time you will need to leave the library.

    Yes, we have Wi-fi.

    The bathroom is upstairs to the left.

    The key to the children’s bathroom is in the children’s room.

    You need to scan the library barcode, not the UPC.

    Sorry, you cannot renew that over the phone.

    Did you loose your library card?

    I need a photo ID and proof of your address.

    The stairs are right there.

    Let me transfer you to a librarian.

    After the 4 ones.

    You need to put a leash on your dog.

    We close at bla bla bla.

    Your new due date is bla bla bla.

    No, we don’t stamp the date anymore.

    Yes, we take credit cards.

    I did not find that on the shelf. Try looking under your bed or in your car for it.

    Do you have anything smaller? ($100 bill for 50 cent fee)

    You will need to speak with the Director. Here is her card.

    Welcome to the library!

  28. Carrie Says:

    I’ve only said this in my head (I swear!): F#@*^!$ A people! It’s LIBRARY, not LIBERRY!

  29. Amanda Moore Says:

    “IT’S NOT A BOOK IT’S A WORK”

    Three librarians speaking in library-language, saying “FRBR FRBR FRBR” over & over to each other in different intonations.

    “Yes, we have headphones.”

  30. Dani Says:

    “Maintenance to the infomation desk, please”

    “It is not ok for you to leave pornographic stories you wrote in our geneaology books.”

  31. Susan Says:

    “Is that a service animal?”

    “Sorry, we do not have change for a $100 bill. I will let you slide today. You can pay your 10 cent fine next time.”

    “Yes, e-books are just awesome (not!) (or not totally!!)”

    “You are178 in line for 50 Shades of Gray.”

    ” Give me another clue besides- It’s a large red book.”

    Not sure what you mean by, “In a million years, I would never take you for a librarian.”

  32. Jessie P Says:

    Another suggestion: A conversation wherein the patron tells you they’re looking for a not very popular book with a very specific title that is, in fact, not the title of the book in any way, and they can’t remember the author or much of what it’s about. So a five-minute search ensues, in which the librarian finds out the book – the title of which does not share a single word in common with the title suggested by the patron. And the patron says, “Yeah, that’s the book I want” in a tone that would indicate, “How did you not know that five minutes ago?”

    Or “You’re looking for To Kill a Mockingjay?”

  33. Librariandoa Says:

    We’re a popular library, we don’t try to keep any backlist or classics.
    If it hasn’t gone out in a year weed it.
    That isn’t a good use of librarian time (fill in the bank).
    Your PIN is the last four numbers of your home phone number.
    We have never been open on Friday nights till nine, sorry.
    I’m sorry your name disappeared from the Holds list, I don’t know how it happened.
    Our new catalog is an improvement over the one you hated,
    Yes the power is out, so there is no Internet.
    I can request that book for you since we can’t find it on the shelf. Yes, we looked everywhere we could. Yes I know the catalog says it is checked in.

  34. Saucy Says:

    What Medical Librarians Say:

    No, I cannot diagnose (your/your huband’s/child’s/mother in law’s) condition from a (picture/over the phone/email).
    Do not show me your skin rash or anything else that is normally covered by clothing.
    Please see your doctor.
    I am a librarian not a doctor.
    It would be unethical for me to even guess at your condition.
    No, I will not talk to your doctor for you.
    No, I will not make an appointment for you.
    No, we do not carry fiction, People Magazine or have any “good” books.
    No, I cannot look up the number of your hair salon, the grocery store or give you directions to the mall.
    (to med students) No I will not make copies for you. You are in medical school. In five years you will be making more money than I will ever see in my professional life. I will not give you a quarter because you don’t want to break a twenty or because you “forgot” your money.

  35. Today at the Library Says:

    To a patron who thanked me for personally making her life a living hell because she ended up with a double sided instead of a single sided print of her resume – “You are welcome. My work here is done”

    “Security? We’ve had a report that there is a pirate drinking beer in the rotunda” (and there was)

    “Sir – I’m going to have to ask you to keep your voice down. Although we welcome you to game in the library, pounding on your keyboard and shouting “In the bush! In the bush! GET HIM!! into your headset is disturbing other patrons”

  36. Laura Says:

    On the phone…
    “Ok, do you see the library catalog in the top right corner? Where it says keyword? Ok, what exactly are you looking at? Ok, so, first we need to go to the library homepage…”

  37. Crack'd Librarian Says:

    During one summer after story time, group of parents stuck around to converse (loudly) and no one was watching their kiddies. One particularly uninhibited three year old girl started dancing and singing (off-key and loudly) then started taking off her clothes. She got down to her undies before I finally got a breath to tell her, “Sweetie, you need to get dressed; you’re not at home.”
    Another summer incident-client: “Can I look through the bags (gift bags for summer reading club finishers) and pick out the coupons I want?”
    Librarian: “No, you get what’s in the bag.”
    Client: “Where does it say that in the rules?”
    Librarian: “Right here” pointing to the fine print. “We put it in the rules after last year.”
    Client: “Bitch.”
    Librarian: “Queen Bitch, thanks to three summers of you and your wonderful children.” (Last summer at that job.) :P

  38. Nini Bookworm Says:

    “Oh my god, I hope that’s chocolate.”

  39. Nini Bookworm Says:

    “No I did not change the hours again, and yes your books are overdue.”

  40. clara Says:

    So I went to my public library to replace my lost library card, which you have do in person due to privacy issues according to them. . It was sunday and the system had been down since Friday, so I would have to come back. However, I work in another state, so coming back isn’t easy. I asked if there was a way to do it manually and was told no unless I knew my library id #, Really? If not I would have to come back b/c they couldn’t give me my a new library card due to privacy issues. I should mention that I had a valid drivers license and etc., Great customer service;)

  41. Liz Says:

    No, the student assistant cannot proofread your 10 page paper.
    Yes, you can check out a skull.

  42. Kay Says:

    Just a suggestion, but perhaps it could be Shit Librarians HEAR rather than than Shit Librarians Say. Or even Shit Librarians Want to Say, but Can’t Because We Like Having Jobs. Maybe it’s just me (I work at a public library), but most of what I say is just customer service drivel. To me, the funniest part is the customers. Sure, hearing “I want to use the computer” about 50 times a day can get old, but there’s always a classic, “Do you have that book by that guy, you know? With the yellow cover?” “Do you have a printer?” Customer is standing directly next to the printer. “Is this where I check out books?” Customer is standing right under a sign that says CHECK OUT. I’ve had 10 year olds ask me for the Anarchist’s Cookbook. (I said they needed their parent’s permission then hid until they went away.) “Can you show me how to download free movies?” “Can you sign on/find this website/print this document/open my email/install this program for me?” “Can I donate these 20 large boxes of mostly obsolete books in disgusting condition?” Customers shouting at the top of their voice. “I can’t talk, I’m at the library!! Alright, put her on the phone!!” Sure, it could be construed as making fun of stupid and/or weird people, but that’s the internet for you. And it’s way funnier than “Hi, can I help you?” Also, the kids that come in are super funny. “Look, mommy, a stranger! Watch out, mommy!” (Actually heard that one. Laughed for about 20 minutes.)

    As for things librarians wish they could say (or actually do say because they’re BAMFs): librarywhoa.tumblr.com, librariansclassified.tumblr.com/, librarianproblems.com.

  43. Christina Says:

    “no i’m sorry we don’t take plastic we’re still in the jurassic era.”

    we did send you a notification via email that your items were due. you also had a recipt printed when you checked out your items.

  44. Heather Says:

    They STILL think everything is available for FREE on the Internet.

  45. Mark Says:

    Sometimes Librarians Don’t Say Anything:

    Caller: I hear you have tax forms, Is that right?

    Librarian: Yes, you can find them upstairs, though not all the instructions have come in yet.

    Caller: I hear you have tax help?

    Librarian: Yes, AARP volunteers are taking appointments for folks who need help. Are you interested in making an appointment?

    Caller: Oh we need help this year. After being together 24 years Tony up and decided to marry me last December 21st. After all the world was supposed to end. Boy was he surprised when he woke up 6 a.m. on December 22nd. He wasn’t sure what he got himself into…now we got to figure out our taxes as a couple.

    Librarian:

    We probably should make a video.

  46. Genny Says:

    I thought Shit Girls Say was based in turn on Shit My Dad Says.

Leave a Reply

LiB's simple ground rules for comments:

  1. No spam, personal attacks, or rude or intolerant comments.
  2. Comments need to actually relate to the blog post topic.